I WANT YOU TO FEEL MY PAIN

I want you to feel my pain.

This morning in meditation this sentence came to me.  I have been doing work getting to the root of my feelings and while sitting in silence this came to me. 

I want you to feel my pain.

I do not mean this maliciously, nor do I wish anyone harm.  I simply want you to feel what I feel – and I to feel what you feel – so we can understand one another and maybe hold one another in a higher regard, respect one another.  Be kinder to one another. Show up for one another. Even cry for one another.

1 in 3 high school girls in the US have thought about taking their own lives.  Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in persons 15-24 years of age.*

Nothing in this world – money nor power – nothing can provide an escape from pain.  Forgive me as I forget who said this – but it is the glue that holds us together, our mutual pain.  But yet we rarely hold space for one another in pain. We certainly do not go out of our way to help do we? Who wants the seat next to the person crying?

I suspect the pain is too great for most to hold, because our own pain is too great to hold. We somehow think that by not witnessing another’s pain, we can minimize or eliminate our own. Keep winning, stay positive, stay in that light. The wellness arena is filled with this kind of nonsense.

Pain is also uncomfortable to see and harder to not “fix”. Anyone who has a child has surely tried the piece of candy or toy to stop the tears. But what a reward it would be to have a parent who sat with you in your tears, witnessing your pain, instead of trying to bypass the uncomfortable feelings.

I grew up in a house where feelings were not ever discussed as far back as I can remember. By no means did my Mom not care for me. She certainly did, and I never went without any material comfort. But feelings were never shared, discussed or witnessed.  I can’t remember my Mom crying. Maybe once or twice. I never saw my Mom angry – really angry – maybe 3 times tops. I also never recall being hugged much as a kid, praised or having fun with my Mom.  Just a few times.  Sadness was avoided like the plague. I was taught nothing cures a good case of the blues like a shopping trip, and I don’t necessarily disagree, but I also think our fear of feelings – even good feelings - has contributed to the separation of society in many ways.

Lack of acknowledgement of my feelings left me struggling with most of my issues alone. I think part of my connection to my partner of nearly 40 years was our deep understanding of one another’s pain. There is nothing like a long-term relationship to help you explore your feelings and their many degrees of intensity.

We all have emotions but have failed in ways to support one another.  Of course capitalism allows us the opportunity to pay to express our feelings to a therapist, etc. and I am certainly not saying we should not have these professionals. 

What I am saying is that we would become more accepting of one another’s differences, if we became more emotionally in tune with one another.  

I don’t know how that would work or what it looks like.

Maybe we have consciously decided to be here, in this place, so we do not have to witness the pain.  We send our beloved children and family members to war.  We do not witness the pain of the animals we eat on a regular basis.  What about the person sitting on the sidewalk with a sign and a cup.  Or the person screaming obscenities at us on the train. We can turn the pain off and on with a pill, a drink, a drag of a vape, even a gummy bear.

Is the crop of weed stores growing in every neighborhood freedom, or a jail of our own choice to provide us with the drugs to tolerate this world we live in?

What I know is pain is lonely.  And I yearn for me and you to be less lonely. I hope that one day I can say to a stranger I am having a bad day and they look me in the eye and say I see your pain and give me a hug – without being scared they will hurt me.  That one day I can sit next to that person crying on the subway and ask them what happened and be an ear – without them being afraid I will hurt them.

Not so long ago, my son was having a tantrum in his stroller.  A tantrum to end all tantrums.  Screaming, thrusting his body, ignoring me and screaming horrible things at me all because he didn’t want to do something – like leave the playground.  I was at the end of my rope. I was honestly one step away from hitting him. Because I could not take the stress of his screaming, his defiance, his inflicting of pain onto me – I wanted him to feel my pain.  Interesting how that can work.

A stranger looked at me and said – I will watch him, take a moment. And I did.

I stood behind a tree (so no one could see me interesting right?) and I cried.  I sobbed. I felt ashamed.

Then I wiped my tears away and went back to my son. 

Many things to unpack. But to this day I am grateful for that stranger who saved me from myself. That stranger who saw my pain.

*https://www.sccenter.org/programs-and-services/for-teens/teen-suicide-facts/

Photo of “The Gates” taken by me.